by Joshua Miranda :)
Mistreatment of any kind, to a marriage
partner could be defined as spousal abuse. It could mean physical violence or
anger of some form. Anger if holy/righteous anger (Eph.4:26-27 used in situations
to solve problems) is not at all abuse; but anger that gets out of control
(filled with a heart that’s not right with God) can lead to a sinful abusive
response to the opposite sex. Abusing others comes out of a heart of
selfishness, while scripture tells us to love one another sacrificially /unconditionally
(John 13:34; Eph. 5:21), abusing the spouse is an attitude opposite to this
command. Scripture doesn’t ever address the issue of spousal abuse because God
expects two individuals in a marriage covenant to love one another and to
submit to one another.
Even though women suffer physical abuse
they are of the opinion and have hope that probably it won’t happen again. They think they are
the ones who can change the actions of their loved ones. They also stay in the relationship because they are dependent on their husbands; they think about how
their children will suffer because of the absence of their spouse and hence
they do not leave their spouse. Most of these cases go unreported and happen
behind closed doors.
A Christian marriage is to be compared
to a marriage relationship between God and His Church. Anything that damages
the marriage relationship, damages the believers relationship with God. While
both the partners in a Christian marriage have to show some signs of
Christlikeness the Husband has more responsibility as the head of the family;
he is to love his wife just as he loves himself (Eph. 5:25-33), he has to be
considerate towards her (1 Pet. 5:7), be gentle towards her (Col. 3:19) and he
needs to honor her (1Thess. 4:4). Marriage is expressed with acts of love like
patience, humility, truth, affirmation, hope etc. described in 1Cor. 13:1-7.
There is no place for abuse in a marriage and hence scripture does not tell us
that one is allowed to abuse his or her spouse.
Case Study: I know of person who
started attending church some time back.
This person was an unbeliever before she attended church and she was married to
an unbeliever. Once she was a regular member of church she brought her husband
along (who became a believer), but over time her husband didn’t like church
because he was prohibited from drinking and smoking. To make a long story short
the husband started to abuse the wife physically. Every day when she returned
from work the husband would threaten to kill her. This guy would not listen to
the elders or the pastors of the church. Many individuals like this mostly want
scripture to suit their needs and never want to be corrected by scripture. So
what does the pastor do in a situation like this? You know what scripture says
about divorce. The only reason why two
individuals in a marriage contract can divorce each other is if either one
lives a life of infidelity (Matt 5:32) or a Christian that was abandoned by an
unbelieving spouse (1 Cor. 7:15). Divorce is not even commanded by God because God is a God
who hates divorce (Mal. 2:16) just like he cannot look at sin. So in conclusion ......
Q) If you were the Pastor of this
church or you saw this happen to one of your Christian friends what advice
would you give them? How should the spouse act/respond in a situation like this?
Note: All Images are got from Google Images and are not my own .
Roshan Nepali
ReplyDeleteAs you said Husband was joining the church because of his believing wife, but later on he quit to go church because he was not allowed to drink. so in order to live a worldly life he wants his wife to abandon her faith. if this is the case i consider her husband is not a believer. according to the bible it says if your brother commit sin, revel his sin among you, if he still does bring with the witnesses, and still does than bring to the congregation, and still continue than consider him/her as pagan. the point what i want to say is she/he should live happy life in the church with the believers.
Muang Guite:
ReplyDeleteFirst, as a pastor/christian we should not be so quick in judging people (judgemental). The Pastor (in particular) seems to object and so judgmental(for some unwelcoming) on the husband of the woman because of his addiction to smoking and drinking. Instead of so judgmental, if the Pastor (or church leaders) try to build up relationship on this man, helping him understand the importance of living a holy life by abstaining alcohol and so on. The man could have understood. So the point is, ACCEPTANCE seems to be lacking.
Second, I don't see any problem between the spouse. So the wife have nothing to say, except just to be faithful and show more her love towards her husband.
The pastor should first try to make friendship with the husband and try to know why he does like that without judging because most of people don't want to be judged. I believe that there must be a reason why he does that so it will be more easy to help him after knowing that reason. Secondly we must not forget that there is law from government also. If he threatens to kill his wife, let the police handles him and the pastor should keep the wife in safe place (her relatives or church members). Finally pastor, his wife and other church members need to pray for him and express the love of Jesus to him because prayer and love is so powerful enough to transform life.
ReplyDeleteKichang Bae
ReplyDeleteFirst of all,the pastor needs to get the professional counselor among the Christian fellows.And let him counsel the husband. There might be some deep internal cause. Through a good counseling, it should be found out first. At the same time, he needs to try to give comfort his wife to be patient with her husband. According to the progress of the counseling, the pastor needs to interview with him to listen what he says. He needs to persuade the husband to know how our God want the couples to live happily.As for pastor, he is required to earnestly pray to God.He needs to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit's leading.
I will advice this woman to obey her husband and to pray for him. I will explain this Bible verse to her....."In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior." (I Peter 3:1,2).
ReplyDeleteI would advice them both to live apart for a while. So that they will be able to know the real consequences of the violent abuse caused. Not only that, it will be a time for each one to be able to think while there is space, counselors, and friends as well. It is also be a good time to discover the reason behind the abuse and to be able to talk through about what could have been done instead. After that, they will have a couple counselor as well.
ReplyDeleteI believe that the pastor should not judge him or the church should not judge him related to drinking but should show love to him so that he will feel love from them. The wife should be discipled by matured believers the church so that she know how to communicate with her husband. When he experience love from his wife, pastor, and church members, he will surely be changed soon.
ReplyDeleteThe couple should be allowed to live apart for some weeks or even months if the physical abuse is continued.
ReplyDeleteInteresting... However, I could answer it in a Pastor's perspective coz I am not one. On the other side I could help as a friend to a wife and to the husband. The verses in the Bible above is suggesting us that it is against against injustices and violence. For me, it's better to separate them for a mean time, not until the husband will repent and change his attitude. Separation is a state when the couple is not living together but they are still legally married. Separation is not Divorce not Annulment.
ReplyDeleteMy advice would be to continue loving the spouse even if the other spouse hates or threatens to kill the other becos every marriage was founded on the foundation of love and the very character of God is love. But in the case of non-believing spouses they should what is rightful in accordance to the law for the benefits of both the parties.
ReplyDeleteThis case is not clear about why he is abusing his wife.For getting divorce with her or stopping her to go church. Anyway he must have some reasons to abuse her. In this case if he does not want to listen the pastor, as a pastor i would ask his desire clearly and leave him as he wants. If he really wants divorce, i would ask to wife's desire and let them decide.
ReplyDeleteI would tell his wife to pray first for his husband, then, if any changes doesn't happen and the spouse would like to divorce, i would have counseling section with them as their pastor and make a decision for the future. It would be their own decisions and be the best solution for them.
ReplyDeleteWell I wanted to start with saying the Blog is well written. The issue is presented with a solid foundation. I agree with the Biblical perspective and with what Joshua wrote in the blog, that Divorce is out of question. So the Pastor needs to find a solution to help the spouse (or married couple) which is abused.
ReplyDeleteI personally believe that one thing lacking in our society today is 'accountability.' If the question is targeted towards abuse then, irrespective of whether the husband is a believer or not, abuse of another human being is unethical. This flows from the moral code which God has written on our hearts, and we are able to discern between good and evil. He has to be accountable to the government, to laws of the land, as Paul wrote in Romans 13. This could be one route the Pastor can take.
as a pastor, i tried to intervene, but it is really difficult when the husband is unbeliever. here in the Philippines, women and children are protected by a republic act against violence. after warnings, then would advice the wife to seek legal assistance since such violence does not only endanger her but also her children.
ReplyDeleteInteresting take on the subject. But I wonder how the equation changes in settings where women are not "dependent on their husbands."
ReplyDeleteModesto Biolango
ReplyDeleteAs a pastor I would still visit the couple one last time to counsel them. I would spend on-on-once counseling sessions with the husband just to hear his side and struggles as well. It may be caused by unresolved conflicts or issues like marital infidelity or personal struggles. Should the husband refuses to take my advice and still continue with his brutal misconduct, I would advice the wife to report it to the authorities like Barangay Captain, in the Philippine context. I would challenge the wife to do it for her won good because she might hesitate out of shame and fear. Divorce is the last option since the Bible doesn't commend or promote it. Divorce is costly and time consuming especially here in the Philippines. I would rather ask the wife together with his children to live the house and stay with her parents or relatives than tell them to consider divorce right away. They need to be separated for a while by place but not necessarily by marital union. This will allow them to rethink and evaluate their lives. I will regard the husband as an unbeliever, but will still reach out to him on a personal basis. Let us just pray that somehow the husband will value his family when they are away from one another. This sound easy but in reality this is a messy experience.